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Know what really hurts? Really hurts?
To be always wanting the presence of people, only to know that you’re only either a.) put up with or b.) being used. Nobody really likes being with you because you don’t really know how to interact, how to be, with people. You’re just there but no one really wants you around. Not even the people you trust more than yourself. They never really kick you out or make you go away because you’re already there and it would be too, I don’t know, mean (? [for lack of a better term]).
You’re an accessory, not a necessity.
Does it just hurt to not be as vital to people as they are to you? You’re so damn vulnerable to these people who can use you and hurt you because they mean so much to you but they barely even remember you’re there.
I will not be a subject of pity. I’m much too proud for that.
You know what? Fine. When the whole world doesn’t want you around, who needs it? Just because you think you’re special or wanted or important or whatever, doesn’t mean you are. You’re not. At least to them you’re not. To you, you’re not. You’re not anything. You’re just another… thing. You’re matter but it doesn’t mean you matter. You take up space but that’s pretty much all you do. That’s all you’re good for, Jonnah. You’ve said so yourself, you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life. Why not start now? Everyone else is moving on with their lives without you.
Just like Megara said in that one movie.
“Sometimes, it’s better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you.”
So fine. Obviously you don’t want me around. Nobody ever does. I’m just… there. Fine. I’m selfish and proud and immature and rude and there’s about another million and one things that are wrong with me. I’m just such a terrible, un-friendly person that I repel people at first glance. Is it because I’m not as pretty as all the other girls? Is it because I don’t stand up straight? I’m so sorry for my scoliosis and lack of social upbringing then. I’m so sorry for my lack of grace and etiquette. I must seem so uncivilized to you all. I probably am. I literally have no redeemable quality.
I will not take your pity. Not when that’s the whole damn basis for this facade of a friendship. That’s all I am to you. A charity case. You think I’m so pathetic that you just let me go on and on because you feel bad that I don’t have anything else to do with my life and you’re just so damn important to the world because you’re so damn perfect and people love you so damn much while it’s a constant effort for me to have people not totally hate me after a span of six months.
I get it, okay? I don’t belong. I don’t deserve you, any of you. It’s high time I got used to being by myself. After all, that’s pretty much all I’m ever going to have in ten, twenty years before I kick it. If I live even than long.
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Posted on February/26/2012
Tagged as: hi jonnah is extremely sad rn, lol jonnah no1currrrrr, journal, personal,
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