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Admit it. I was a fabulous seven year old kid.
These were taken March 9, 2001. I keep coming back to old photos of the glory days for some odd reason but I love looking at these photos, no matter how embarrassing they are. (Trust me on this, there are more.) It feels… different. Demotion, that is. I’ve been performing on stage since I was five years old. I’m not talking about birthday parties or family reunions with kareoke machines - when I was five years old, I had the God-given opportunity to perform in the Cultural Center of the Philippines. That, my lovely reader, was one of the most amazing days of my life. I can still remember the blistering heat of the spotlight that made the crowds appear invisible. I can still hear the shouting at the dressing rooms because one of the girl’s leather pants got ripped. I can still feel the same adrenaline when you know that the next number is yours.
The other day, I had to watch Art in Action: Music for Art Appreciation class. Last year, I was part of the DLSU Chorale and I should have performed but for reasons, I wasn’t able to. In fact, I had to quit a mere five days after that. I’ve been performing all my life and I’ve embraced the fact that it’s not for me. Everyone’s the best at something and with me, it’s just not the performing arts. Perhaps I am more talented with the pen than I am up on stage. I do miss it, though. I really, really do.
Imagine the swell of admiration in my chest when I saw my childhood singing rival getting discovered on national TV - singing my old signature song. Yes, thoughts of the “you’re not good enough for anything, anyone” sort popped in to my head as they usually do. But it’s different this time. There’s no rage, no agony, no jealousy, no despair.
Only nothing. An overwhelming sense of nothing that builds up in your system, swallowing you whole, telling you that that’s all you’re ever going to be. Nothing.
Sometimes, I want to be seven years old again. Sometimes, I want to be that girl again. That girl who did something with her life. That girl who was more than just a fire that burns out. That girl who knew what she wanted and did something about it. That girl who believed in herself. But she died and all her hopes and dreams of the stage and spotlight came with her.
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Posted on February/26/2012
Tagged as: personal, i don't even know but derp i'm posting this anyway because i am sad,
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