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Day 153: Do you think the hardest thing is sometimes the easiest thing? (x)
I have a very subjective view of life. I’d like to believe that I live in a grey world and there is no such thing as “hardest” and easiest”, just a comparison between the states and the situation presented to you at the given moment.
Sometimes, the easiest thing to do is tell the truth the way it is. But then again, sometimes it’s the hardest thing. Believe me. I know. Telling the truth would sometimes result to personal shame or dispute between friends, et cetera. Then again, it is a sin to lie. I’m pretty sure lying is my favourite sin. It’s so easy to pretend that I’m fine or that I’m not the villain of the story when really, I just make things work for my own sake. I feel terrible about the consequences afterwards but am too ashamed to fess up to them, sometimes. I just need a bit of time to get over it because I have quite a bit of shame, quite a bit of an imagination that tells me everything that’s wrong with me, and quite the remarkable memory.
Day 152: What is one step of action you would take to change the world? (x)
Decree for everyone, everywhere the means to get quality education.
I don’t think we should be building more malls - we have enough consumerism and capitalism as it is (apparently, I am not politically apathetic… I just don’t like the government and the system and believe that people are more important than debating on who gets to rule and govern these people) - we need to build more schools, more classrooms, more books! Good books that actually teach morals and facts - not erotic AU fanfiction turned published work. (Or haunted lady parts or the fulfillment of certain fulfillment with a certain kind of parkinson’s - you know what I mean!)
When people learn things and make informed decisions - about health, about morality, about God - I’m pretty darn sure that the world would be a better place.
Day 151: Would you move to a different country to be with the one you love? (x)
I’d move the sun and all the other stars.
(FEELINGS because The Mortal Instruments.)
If God wills it, then so let it be done. The life I live isn’t mine and so who am I to stay rooted in a single temporal place when this whole fleshly life is temporal in itself? Plus, I’ve got quite a bit of wanderlust, despite never having gone anywhere prior, and I’d like to see everything, everywhere that this universe has to offer. To be with the one I love, the one I’m supposed to be with - the distance is the pathway I need to walk to get to you and to deserve it.
Now. This is not related to the challenge but I’d like to thank all of the people who helped me yesterday. I’ll admit that that was not a calculated move and I can get pretty darn irrational when I’m severely upset (I’m not going to call it depression, I refuse). I’m in a bit of an existential crisis right now and so I relish readings or academic journals or feature articles with regard to existentialism, just for a bit of enlightenment. I would really appreciate it. Devotionals would also be appreciated. Lord knows I need guidance in this.
I’m not lost. I’ve just been looking for all the wrong things. I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out who I want to be instead of figuring out who I am. I’m selfish but, thankfully, not selfish enough to take my own life. I’m okay. Even after years of this crap going on in my head, I’m still not brave enough to actually go through with anything permanently damaging. I did send quite a few of you into a panic and for that, I apologize. Know that I’m striving not to get better - I’m striving to change. I’ve been told that I’ve had an “attitude problem” since I was in fourth grade but I never acknowledged it because I had no idea what it meant. Well, here’s to trying to figure that out and changing to be the me I really am.
I am Jonnah and I’m going to try and figure out what that means.
In turn, here’s one of my favourite existentialist articles from Thought Catalog!
If you’d like to, leave article links as answers or use the little Disqus feature. Thank you!
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Day 150: How is your heart lately? (x)
Justly battered and bruised and broken and cancerous and painful.
I’m dirty and filthy and unworthy of everything I have.
I can’t even pray because I’m a phony. It’s not that He won’t listen - I know He always will - but I’m nothing. I’m a speck, I’m a liar, I’m a good for nothing, selfish little brat. I don’t deserve His love and mercy and forgiveness and blessings and all-around goodness. I just want to help people, for the people around me to be okay - to be happy. But I can’t even do that right. I just hurt people. That’s all I do and I hate it. I hate how I cause pain, I hate how I ruin other people’s lives, I hate how I’m just this giant burden that everyone has to put up with because they’re decent human beings.
I just want to make people happy and I want to protect the people I love and the people who, unfortunately, love me from the grenade that is me. I honestly want to hurt myself but I won’t because I know the people who love me will get hurt by that and I hate it and I wish they didn’t care because I don’t want to hurt them. The only pain I can allow myself is the kind that can only hurt me. I hurt by not talking about it, keeping the casualties to myself and my psyche alone. Maybe this way, I can protect the people around me and I can make them happy. Maybe I can do this one thing right.
Thing is, the explosions are targeting my heart and I’ve wanted to talk about it to at least five different people today but I kept it in. I’m not even talking about it here or anywhere else because I’m so damn ashamed of myself and everything I am. I’m a reverse bomb shelter, a nuclear reactor. All the radiation is eating me alive and I welcome it. This is what I deserve.
Day 149: Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships? (x)
Many short relationships can only lead to the following:
- Unnecessary pain.
- Giving away pieces of your heart to someone other than the person you wanted to give your whole heart to but now can’t.
- Lots of unnecessary pain. Just… trust me on this one.
I have never been in a relationship (apparently, that is arguable but it really isn’t because I have never been in that kind of relationship. Ever.) but I’ve been Dear Jonnah for long enough that I’ve seen and watched my friends weep and get broken over things that could have been avoided. Are you sure you’re going to marry that person you were making out with at fourteen? Because you just gave away something that should have belonged to your husband or wife. God knows that that person is waiting for you too. You need to wait for someone who is waiting for you while at the same time, are you the person the person you’re looking for is looking for? You have to understand that relationships like this aren’t supposed to be temporary. Wait, dear one, because you don’t need to be in a relationship to be complete.
You are a hot pot of rice who don’t need no side dish.
(Obviously just the one person, if you wanted a direct answer.)
P.S. The double negative at the end? Intentional.
Day 148: Do you think more about the past, present, or future? (x)
Definitely a little bit of everything all at the same time.
The past is the ghost in my closet. It’s that creepy bus conductor guy who keeps giving me the old eye when I get on that bus. It’s the parish outside my bedroom window. It is something that perennially haunts me. It is the reason why, at random parts of the day, I would stop and cringe and try not to scream because of how humiliating my past was and continues to be.
I think about the now, primarily. I think about what’s happening and what I’m doing as I’m doing it. I sometimes do and say things without thinking and more than once, that has been disastrous for me. But I live for my present because I don’t know if I have a future - if I’m going to live long enough to get there. I do know that I live building something that could be and will be, maybe.
The future is a frightening concept. In fact, time is a frightening concept. This present right now is the past in a second, this present right now was the future a moment ago. The future is something that you need to live by and the present is something you need to live for. You live today knowing that there is a tomorrow but not knowing if you’re going to be there. The sun will set and rise again and again until the Earth implodes but you won’t be there (or maybe you will but we’re never going to know until it happens).
This is not helping with my existential crisis. :(
Day 147: What do you think about ignorant people? (x)
I feel bad for them.
I believe that people should know things, you know? They should make informed decisions, things that aren’t just based on assumptions or hearsay because they don’t know any better.
I’m feeling rather ill at the moment so do forgive me for this post.
Day 146: Is there someone who makes you happy every time you see them? (x)
Today is a testament to that. Yes. Yes, indeed.
Today was my first day back at university. I’m graduating from my first undergraduate degree this school year and this was my last first day (shut up about the other terms, I know but you know what I mean~).
I saw a lot of the people who make me very happy (and frustrate me a bit and that’s okay!). I was with my lovely crazies from Writers’ Guild and we were just derping around, as our usual awesome selves. I was going on about how I really liked my classes so far (Creative Writing - Poetry and Narrative Principles? Best. Classes. Ever.) and they were like “Give it a few weeks and you’ll be back to your old ‘OMGZ COMMARTS IS RUINING MY LIFEEE~’ Jonnah.” … I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.
I was also with my blockmates and coursemates and that was amazing. I hadn’t been with them for the longest time and it just felt super amazing to be with all of them again. I missed them and I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I spent time with them (and explained the wonderful world of Tahnorra [not my OTP but… I ship them!!!] to them).
Seeing my friends usually makes me happy. It’s generally very easy to make me happy as I’m, essentially (underneath all the gloom and doom), a happy person.
Day 145: Is it easy to trust others? (x)
No. Of course not. You can’t trust someone you don’t know.
You can honestly tell me that yes, it is easy to trust others when you go to a town you don’t know with people you don’t know and you grab a stranger from the streets and you tell that stranger your deepest, darkest, most personal secret. If that’s easy for you well… I’d advise you to be cautious with what you reveal.
The truth is, no. It’s never easy to trust someone because trust comes with intimacy and in order to have intimacy, you must have a relationship. In order to have a relationship, you need to spend time with one another and develop that mutual bond. Trust is earned and fragile.
It’s never easy to give pieces of yourself away and that’s exactly what trust is.
Day 144: Are you planning on having children one day? (x)
… I’m seventeen - nearly eighteen - years old. I’m not bloody well planning those things! I’m not the kind of girl who just wants to start a family right after university and settle down and proceed to not do anything else with her life. This is just a silly question to ask a teenage girl, honestly. I may have my professional life somewhat sorted out but I despise the premise that people should have everything mapped out before them at sixteen or whatever. We never know what’s going to happen. We could bloody well die tomorrow! We can plan or prepare for what we want to happen but in the end, we don’t know what lies ahead of us.
For the sake of answering this question, this is under the premise that I get married one day because I am a Christian girl and intercourse is for people who are married and are devoted to each other. Okay? Now. Children. I don’t have the best relationship with children so I honestly don’t know. My three year old niece positively hates me and I’m quite impatient with children. I’m impatient with everyone, it’s one of my many flaws that I am aware of. Also, I’ve seen a woman giving birth. Not exactly pretty and the prospect nearly frightens me to death.
I don’t know. I think there’s a beautiful simplicity in answering a question as simple as that. I don’t know if I want children one day. I don’t even know if I’m going to get married. (I mean, I’m me. Who in his right mind would marry me? See? Case closed.)
Day 143: How important you think education is. (x)
I believe education is the most important human right.
I fervently believe that every single problem of the world (caused by humans) is preventable by education. When I say “education”, I mean proper education. I’m Blessed enough to go to a decent private university and I’ve received a good education all my life, thanks to my family’s modest income. But I’m not the majority of the world. There are so many kids out there who don’t have the same privilege as I do and why is that? There aren’t enough classrooms, aren’t enough teachers, aren’t enough BOOKS for Heaven’s sake! So many people are so damn busy in keeping money in their families and making more and more of the stuff while so many people in the world starve to death and the only thing they do is make more and more children that they can’t support. Why? Because they don’t know any better, because they aren’t given enough opportunities, because they aren’t properly informed. That’s the most inhumane thing I can think of - withholding people from knowing things. They wouldn’t know what they have a right to, they wouldn’t know how life worked, they wouldn’t know anything. Ignorance is a dangerous fault and it’s not their fault. It’s the system’s.
I never understood why I have to pay to know things. Why do I have to pay how to know how the economy works or why I can breathe or what are my basic rights as a human being. Another thing that really bothers me is how totally ungrateful some people are about their education. Honestly, when I hear people complain about how they don’t want to do homework or that they hate school and mean it? It just really presses my buttons because they’re so privileged to be able to study while literally millions of kids would do anything to know how to read and write.
People need to know and they should and if people just knew the right things and were given the right information, the world would be a better place. I hate the fact that my government keeps cutting the budget for education. I hate how students everywhere spend the first few years of their working lives paying off student loans and putting hundreds of millions of families under debt JUST TO LEARN THINGS AND LEARN A CRAFT AND DEVELOP A PASSION. We have to pay to know how to live and that is just the most ludicrous thing ever. Knowledge and wisdom are powerful weapons and some people (I hate to say “people like me” but it’s true) have an unfair advantage because we have the privilege of being armed. It’s not fair and it’s not right and I just think education should be free for everyone and that people should be given free information because it is INFORMATION.
Day 142: How you have changed in the past 2 years. (x)
Oh, man.
2 years ago, I was turning sixteen years old. On this date, two years ago, I was a few days away from going into my first year of university. I was also preparing for a Percy Jackson tumblr meet up, which I was really excited about. I still went by the name MiPie and I even had a rap to explain the origin of the name “MiPie” (WHICH YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ME DO BECAUSE REASONS). 2 years ago, I was swearing like crazy and I would see subliminal messages in everything because of how desensitized my mind was (is) to sex and violence and things (thanks, media!). 2 years ago, at this date, I had not met certain people (more like “person”) who would change my life… forever.
That girl does not exist anymore. She is dead.
I don’t swear anymore. Granted, I swore a lot during MiPie phases of my now life but I really don’t now. It just doesn’t… feel right. I still can and I am most certainly tempted to swear a lot because I have anger issues but mostly, I try not to. Instead of being fascinated by the commodity of the sacredness of sex, I now cringe at it. I shy away, I don’t know most of the “new” terms (Praise God!), and I get really saddened by it. I used to be really arrogant and conceited and proud but I would to think that I’ve lessened that. From being really arrogant to… trying not to be arrogant. 2 years ago, I was pretty sure I would have moved out by now and I used to hate my parents. I love my parents and I’ve learned that I always have. I realize that I’m not mature enough to support myself or certain relationships and commitments because I’m just not ready. I thought myself to be mature 2 years ago and now I just see that I’m still a kid and I still have a lot of growing up to do. I’m a lot more compassionate and caring than MiPie, I’d like to think. I’ve always liked helping people… when they ask of it and if I get something in return. There’s something gratifying in going to help people who can’t ask. Now I just like helping people. Period. It’s nice to be rewarded but I don’t openly seek it anymore.
Also, two years ago, I didn’t know what Real Love was. I didn’t know Christ then. I was a practical atheist - knowing God existed but practicing otherwise. I knew about Him but I didn’t have the relationship with Him that I have now. Two years ago, I was an atheist. Presently, I am a Bible-believing Christian with a growing relationship with my Saviour. That’s the biggest change in two years. Two years ago, I met the person who was going to be used to lead me to Christ. Presently… I don’t want to talk about it.
Day 141: Someone who fascinates you. (x)
I’m separating this into two “someones”. Someone in real life who fascinates me and someone I wish I knew in real life who fascinates me.
Someone in real life who fascinates me award goes to… Angie!
I mean, seriously. Angie is one of the most interesting, fascinating, infinitely fabulous people of all time, in the history of infinite infinities in every parallel universe that might exist. She’s funny and fierce and fabulous and freaking fantastic. For one thing, one time she wore this gorgeous dress and she was just like “Oh, yeah. I got it in a thrift store in Paris.” and it didn’t sound 1. standoff-ish 2. show off-y. She said it in a way that was like “Oh yeah, I got it in that one store, that one time, eight years ago and it still fits so I wear it.” kind of tone, if that makes any sense to you all. Another thing is that she knows so much about everything (I mean seriously, this woman is brilliant beyond all brilliant things [I’m a writer!]) and yet she’s silly and she would make cat noises at… well, cats and would reenact A Very Potter Musical (with me) as Lavender Brown. She’s humble and she doesn’t show all of her amazingness off just to be… amazing (even though she is), she just does them so naturally like… she breathes in oxygenated awesome. You should see this woman draw just… oh my gosh. I don’t know how I keep my jaw hinged to my body when I watch this woman draw or doodle or sketch or clean or something. It’s almost surreal and HOW ARE YOU EVEN REAL. I’m not even going to comment on how beautiful Angie is just… gah. (I’m pretty sure my first impression of her was “Oh God. It’s Zhang Ziyi. Is this real life?!?!?!?! [I say Zhang Ziyi because she’s the only famous Chinese actress that I’m familiar with and I don’t want to say Lucy Liu because of reasons I don’t know at 2 in the morning {also I forgot that Lucy was Chinese right after I typed in that sentence and I didn’t want to backspace for reasons unbeknownst to me at 2 in the morning}]). I mean, this woman sees a camera and something in her system would automatically adjust itself to be fierce EVERYWHERE and yeah. Also she dances and she can wall run and she’s just amazing in every way and ksajdfajshfkljsdhfj Angie.
Someone I wish I knew in real life who fascinates me… Sarah Urist-Green.
I’m fascinated by her because I don’t know a lot about her and I am really interested in seeing her facial expressions to… things. Also because the way John talks about her is so pure and beautiful that I would really just like to see her interact with John because the Greens are just perfect in every single way and just… reasons, okay. Her love story with John (as I recently heard the tale, as recounted by John, of their first date and stuff) is just adorable and the fact that she contributed a lot to the brilliance of John’s books makes me want to give her a hug and thank her for existing (and being awesome and being married to awesome). I think she’s mysterious because I’ve never actually seen a photo of her and for a long time, I thought she was a blond. I don’t know why. Is this racist? I hope it’s not. I just… I imagined her to be blond and always carrying a football. Is this weird? Probably but I hope it’s not racist (but in the case that it is, I’m so sorry!). I was imagining her to be the real life version of Lindsey in Abundance of Katherines, I think. But then I watched the video Hank made when Henry was born (MOMENTARY FANGIRL OVER BABY BECAUSE OMG ADORBABUBBLE BABY IS AKKLHFKJLFHSKLJ FANGIRLING I AM AN ALMOST EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO FANGIRLS OVER ADORABLE CHILDREN THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOUR) and there was something about dark hair so I now imagine her as the girl on the cover of Paper Towns. She’s mysterious and, by deduction, awesome and amazing and I would really like to know more about her (so I can fangirl). I would have said John Green fascinates me because he does but that’s already given due to my… enthusiasm… for his books. Also Hank because he’s awesome and he makes me interested in science (and I’m not too fond of science, mind).
I’m writing this at 2:22AM of day 142 and so I apologize for unintentional mistakes in fact, word-usage, spelling, and grammar. I would like to quote: “Nobody’s perfect, so I’ve got to work it again and again ‘til I get it right.”
Day 140: How do you feel about people disrespecting their parents? (x)
This is going to be very hypocritical because according to my own mother, I am very disrespectful. Especially to her. Sometimes, I have to concede and accept the fact that I am quite inherently though not intentionally rude. But then again there are times when my mother is just a giant squid of anger and is mad at me for reasons out of context and the fact that I talk really loudly and apparently reasoning is synonymous to talking back and when my mom (and I’m pretty sure… everyone) is angry, she can get pretty irrational and just… angry. I guess I just really hate being wrong and I have pride issues (also abandonment issues and anger issues and I am constantly misusing words because I’m a pretentious prig but I don’t own up to them because PRIDE issues but let’s not get in to that).
But no. I am not okay with people disrespecting their parents and I have a few points to prove that it just isn’t cool (for the most part but let’s get to the relativity of the thing later). 1. I have seen actual footage of a mother giving birth to a child. Not pretty. Honestly, it’s just… scarring. I can’t even imagine seeing it in real life, let alone birthing a child. Just… fear. I am afraid and if a woman goes through that to bring you into this world, you had better respect her for it because she deserves that much. 2. You shall honour your father and your mother. It’s a command. Your parents are as much a gift to you as you are to them. Mutual respect because you love each other because you are a family. 3. Your parents had their own issues, their own lives, their own upbringing. You’re only seeing the side of the story through your eyes and no level of sympathy or empathy is going to paint you an exact picture of what is going on in your parents’s minds because you are not your parents.
Okay. Now before you attack me with the whole “but some parents don’t deserve to be respected!” stuff, I understand that some parents are… icky. Trust me. If I say that I respect my mother (and I do!), that’s a lot because messy childhood. Now I know that some parents screw up and have screwed up and will continue to screw up until the end of time. But you have to understand that nobody is the villain in their own story, just like you’re the hero in yours but you’re the villain in your enemy’s. I’m not justifying anyone’s wrongdoings here or that you should be a doormat for people because of obligation, I’m just saying that we’ve all got our walks and we all screw up and we all are free to make choices but aren’t free to live out the consequences. Some people become better and some people become worse but that doesn’t make them lesser beings. Just misinformed, misguided people - that doesn’t mean they should be disrespected.
And this is why I’m all about education. People shouldn’t just know about these things, they should know these things because there’s so much more to knowing than just head knowledge. You can’t just be clever - you must also be wise. And yes, I stole that from a book or a story or a fanfiction or a show somewhere and I can’t remember where.
This is a very complex question in itself and for that, I applaud you, challenge! This question really made me think so huzzah! I just don’t think disrespecting anyone, especially the people who pay for your stuff and put a roof over your head (AKA your parents), is cool. If your parents aren’t cool, that doesn’t mean they deserve to be disrespected. No one deserves to be disrespected.
Day 139: Something you can’t wait for. (x)
And I just can’t waaaait to be kiiiiiiiing~
I can’t be the only person who did that pun.
Okay, moving along. I can’t wait for this drama to blow over and for everything to be okay again. Everything else is fine and dandy except for us and that’s the one thing I really want to be okay again. I can’t wait for this fight, this cut throat silence, to be over because I know it’s going to pass. We’re stronger than this, I believe it.
And if that isn’t true, then I can’t wait to get over it. I can’t wait to get past this and just move on. I know it’s a long process and coming from a romanticist writer who loves a good drama all too well? It’s not going to be easy. If ever the path I need to take is this road, it’s going to take a while. A long while. And as an impatient little girl, I can’t wait for that day.
I can’t wait to graduate and study all over again. I’m holding on to every piece of childhood that I can but I still can’t wait to get out there and see what I was made to do. I can’t wait to see God’s plan for me and I can’t wait to fulfill His great purpose for me. And who knows? This could be it and I can’t wait to find out if it is or what it is.
There are a lot of things I can’t wait for. But I have to and so I will.
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